The Dull & Inoffensive Jokes Page. PC World Rulz

[DIRTYDAVE]

You know what's odd? Every other number.

What do a rhino and tomato have in common? Neither can ride a bicycle.

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.

What's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish!

What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.

I've just seen an advert for the best of McFly album what is that going to have on it? Bloody Strictly come dancing and I'm a celebrity

I have a job crushing soft drink cans. It's soda pressing.

Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

What do you call fruit that commits crimes? A waterfelon.

Why did the sleepless man go to jail?
He resisted a rest

How many trains have derailed in my years as a conductor?
It's hard to keep track

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

Whats big and white and will kill you if it falls from a tree?

A Fridge.

Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of its bark.

[DIRTYDAVE]

Why won't a bike stand up by itself?
It's two tired.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It's rated aaarrrrrrrr

People think I'm weird because I swallowed an Abacus. It's what's inside that counts.

Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
He wanted to go bear foot.

What kind of flower grows on your face?
Tulips.

What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car?
A windshield viper.

Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry?
On a clothes lion.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

I just dropped my iPhone in the bath
It's syncing.

Why was the little strawberry worried?
Because his mother was in a jam.

Why Don't Animals take tests at the zoo?
Because there's too many cheetahs.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What do you call the oyster that took all of the pearls? Shell-fish.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Cause he didn't have the guts.

Did you hear about the Pepsi employee that got fired? He tested positive for Coke.

[DIRTYDAVE]

What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.

A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.

My first job was at an orange juice factory. But I got canned because I couldn't concertrate.

Two peanuts walking down a dark alley. One was a salted.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Why did the tightrope walker go to the bank? To check his balance!

Did you hear about the angry gymnast? He just flipped

What do you call a guy who can swim without using his arms and legs?
Clever dick.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

I tried to put my password "Hartlepool Defence"

Computer Responded " Too Weak" xD

French people give me the crêpes.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.

I'd hate to be a midget chef. The steaks are too high.

[Vokuhila]

Who's the most popular person at a hospital?

The ultrasound guy.

[Quakerz]

The thing is, a lot of these jokes are funny.

[DIRTYDAVE]

The thing is, a lot of these jokes are funny.

[DL5]

The messageboard "police" issued me with a board warning over the bad taste joke thread FFS #speechless

What's brown and sticky? A stick. Unless a white stick is offended by that.

[DIRTYDAVE]

^^ Yeah. Since that thread was posted months ago seems a little unfair to now be handing out warnings. It was called "Bad Taste Jokes" so the Mods should of been checking up on it right from the start.

[DIRTYDAVE]

My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

[Lawman3]

I have a chicken proof garden. It's impeccable.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled under by a strong currant.

Why do flat fish live at the bottom of the sea? Because they know they're plaice.

[Vokuhila]

Crime in multi-storey car parks - it's just wrong on so many levels.

[Dave_from_London]

I can't find a job thats right for me!

I worked as lumberjack but I couldn't hack it then......
I worked in a orange juice factory but I just couldn't concentrate then.....
I studied to become a doctor but found that I didn't have the patience then.....
I worked in a shoe shop but I just couldn't fit in then.....
I became a tailor but the job didn't suit me then.....
I became a chef but I just didn't have the tyme!

What should I do?

[A kick in the Jacobs]

The messageboard "police" issued me with a board warning over the bad taste joke thread FFS #speechless

I got one, too!

Wtf is happening?

Has this been discussed/explained elsewhere?

I'm effing livid.

[fozzovmurton]

The messageboard "police" issued me with a board warning over the bad taste joke thread FFS #speechless

I got one, too!

Wtf is happening?

Has this been discussed/explained elsewhere?

I'm effing livid.

Me too, but my posts in that thread went further than the odd Jimmy Savile joke...

Why wasn't it dealt with weeks ago

Sent from my HTC Wildfire S A510e using Tapatalk 2

[Jazz Maverick]

The messageboard "police" issued me with a board warning over the bad taste joke thread FFS #speechless

I got one, too!

Wtf is happening?

Has this been discussed/explained elsewhere?

I'm effing livid.

Me too, but my posts in that thread went further than the odd Jimmy Savile joke...

Why wasn't it dealt with weeks ago

Sent from my HTC Wildfire S A510e using Tapatalk 2

Because that prize arsehole beatroute started a thread on the virtual feethams board drawing attention to it. I made a joke about cancer on that thread yet got no warning - I take it gags about a terminal disease are ok, but ones about J-SAV arent?!

[DL5]

The messageboard "police" issued me with a board warning over the bad taste joke thread FFS #speechless

I got one, too!

Wtf is happening?

Has this been discussed/explained elsewhere?

I'm effing livid.

Hopefully we'll get a response shortly, I've only been waiting for a reply since Sunday

[Spyman]

The messageboard "police" issued me with a board warning over the bad taste joke thread FFS #speechless

I got one, too!

Wtf is happening?

Has this been discussed/explained elsewhere?

I'm effing livid.

Hopefully we'll get a response shortly, I've only been waiting for a reply since Sunday

Folks, didn't you know, the moderators rule this place and what they say goes. They don't have to reply to our queries, or justify their actions.

It's not like they are accountable to the people who make the forum what it is, or anything.

[beatroute66]

Because that prize arsehole beatroute started a thread on the virtual feethams board drawing attention to it. I made a joke about cancer on that thread yet got no warning - I take it gags about a terminal disease are ok, but ones about J-SAV arent?!

I said I wouldn't post on here for a while, but sod it.

Yes - I drew attention to it and I'm glad I did. A few of you were telling massively offensive jokes on here; racist, children-based and so on. I blew the whistle on some of you and I've no issue with that.

Jazz - I didn't know you'd made a joke about cancer. Let me tell you - I lost a friend this year to cancer, two friends lost their father's to cancer and my own father has cancer that will never be cured.

If you think that making jokes about cancer - on an internet forum, in the flesh or wherever - is funny or provides entertainment, then I sure as s*** hope that no-one you love/care for ever has to go through what some of my friends/family have in the last 24 months. You wouldn't be laughing about it or cracking funnies about it on a football message board.

I'm not going to apologise for being offended by jokes about cancer, racial groups, etc. I have a sense of humour, broad shoulders and I'm down to earth, but I draw the line somewhere because I'm a decent human being, *not* someone who makes jokes about some pretty awful stuff for little kicks and then gets all high'n'mighty about it when they're called on it.

Grow up and get some maturity in your life - maybe you'll then see where I'm coming from.

I won't hold my breath.

[Jazz Maverick]

Because that prize arsehole beatroute started a thread on the virtual feethams board drawing attention to it. I made a joke about cancer on that thread yet got no warning - I take it gags about a terminal disease are ok, but ones about J-SAV arent?!

I said I wouldn't post on here for a while, but sod it.

Yes - I drew attention to it and I'm glad I did. A few of you were telling massively offensive jokes on here; racist, children-based and so on. I blew the whistle on some of you and I've no issue with that.

Jazz - I didn't know you'd made a joke about cancer. Let me tell you - I lost a friend this year to cancer, two friends lost their father's to cancer and my own father has cancer that will never be cured.

If you think that making jokes about cancer - on an internet forum, in the flesh or wherever - is funny or provides entertainment, then I sure as s*** hope that no-one you love/care for ever has to go through what some of my friends/family have in the last 24 months. You wouldn't be laughing about it or cracking funnies about it on a football message board.

I'm not going to apologise for being offended by jokes about cancer, racial groups, etc. I have a sense of humour, broad shoulders and I'm down to earth, but I draw the line somewhere because I'm a decent human being, *not* someone who makes jokes about some pretty awful stuff for little kicks and then gets all high'n'mighty about it when they're called on it.

Grow up and get some maturity in your life - maybe you'll then see where I'm coming from.

I won't hold my breath.

Get over yourself you self righteous prick.

No one is laughing at the actual victims of the tasteless jokes in question - be it rape, paedos, murder, cancer, death, anything. As far as I can tell this isnt a forum full of sociopaths, and everyone knows these are horrible occurences.

However, it is an unavoidable fact of life that these things happen. Making jokes about them will make no difference to the fact that the subjects exist. Its making light of horrible situations, not pouring scorn or disrespecting the victims of said events. No one is contacting the victims or their families to pass on the latest hot gag. People have done it throughout time as a form of escapism from the inevitability that such things might occur to them or their loved ones.

Im afraid its you that has the issue. I dont know whether you're too sensitive, or highly strung, or what. You're probably best off staying off the internet full stop if this is the way you react to anything a bit racey. Probably best you stay out of the pub too in case you hear something a bit un-PC. All I know is that the stupidity of opening a post you knew would offend you, and then complaining about the attention it might bring by starting a new thread about it on the main forum, cannot be understated.

And not that I should have to explain to you, but my uncle died not long back from highly aggressive cancer that had spread all up his spine into his brain. Diagnosis to death in about 4 months. Horrible stuff. Do gags about cancer make any difference to this? Do they fuck, its a tragic fact of life that this s*** happens, what can you do but laugh at it. I know he did.

[A kick in the Jacobs]

Beatroute - if I was to spend any time at all in your company, I suspect that I would either stick pins in my eyes out of boredom or that I would throttle you.

Your bland, holier-than-thou manner offends me in ways not even an islamist terrorist could.

[MB86DFC]

Who's the most popular person at a hospital?

The ultrasound guy.

who covers for the "ultra sound guy" when he is on holiday?

The Hip Relacement guy

[Spyman]

The fact that this thread existed for weeks with it not being deemed a problem by the moderators only to then become a problem when someone, several weeks later, 'blew the whistle' on it (as if it was some kind of secret cover-up. Honestly), makes a bit of a mockery of the moderation of this board.

Reactionary bullshit.

[Bogratsteve]

Who's the most popular person at a hospital?

The ultrasound guy.

who covers for the "ultra sound guy" when he is on holiday?

The Hip Relacement guy

I see what you did there

[beatroute66]

Get over yourself you self righteous prick.

No one is laughing at the actual victims of the tasteless jokes in question - be it rape, paedos, murder, cancer, death, anything. As far as I can tell this isnt a forum full of sociopaths, and everyone knows these are horrible occurences.

However, it is an unavoidable fact of life that these things happen. Making jokes about them will make no difference to the fact that the subjects exist. Its making light of horrible situations, not pouring scorn or disrespecting the victims of said events. No one is contacting the victims or their families to pass on the latest hot gag. People have done it throughout time as a form of escapism from the inevitability that such things might occur to them or their loved ones.

Im afraid its you that has the issue. I dont know whether you're too sensitive, or highly strung, or what. You're probably best off staying off the internet full stop if this is the way you react to anything a bit racey. Probably best you stay out of the pub too in case you hear something a bit un-PC. All I know is that the stupidity of opening a post you knew would offend you, and then complaining about the attention it might bring by starting a new thread about it on the main forum, cannot be understated.

And not that I should have to explain to you, but my uncle died not long back from highly aggressive cancer that had spread all up his spine into his brain. Diagnosis to death in about 4 months. Horrible stuff. Do gags about cancer make any difference to this? Do they fuck, its a tragic fact of life that this s*** happens, what can you do but laugh at it. I know he did.

Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree on the broader stuff. I'm not sensitive at all - I've been on these (and other forums) for years and seen/heard it all. I draw the line at racist/related-very bad taste jokes - you don't. Fair enough.

This isn't aimed at you personally, by the way, but if you're comfortable telling jokes about Holocaust victims or "n****s", that tells me everything I need to know about 'you'.

Finding humour in a dark situation (such as cancer) is great; no problem. I've done the same myself. Jokes about such things don't humour me and - in my opinion - do this board harm, but we can't all be the same, can we.

Genuinely sorry re: your uncle.

[beatroute66]

Beatroute - if I was to spend any time at all in your company, I suspect that I would either stick pins in my eyes out of boredom or that I would throttle you.

Your bland, holier-than-thou manner offends me in ways not even an islamist terrorist could.

Luckily for us both you probably won't get the chance. I'll still sleep tonight.

[beatroute66]

The fact that this thread existed for weeks with it not being deemed a problem by the moderators only to then become a problem when someone, several weeks later, 'blew the whistle' on it (as if it was some kind of secret cover-up. Honestly), makes a bit of a mockery of the moderation of this board.

Reactionary bullshit.

Spyman - it was whistle blowing if you like. I found it odd that you can get banned from the message board for being a Spenny fan on a harmless wind up but not if you're a Darlo fan with about 40 racist jokes behind you.

Isn't that the bit that potentially makes mockery of moderation?

Were I a mod (wouldn't want to be and, by the sounds, 90% of you wouldn't want me to be anyway), I'd have closed that thread down weeks back and chucked off anyone who posted anything racist; Jews, n*****s, etc, etc.

No problem with crude humour, but a joke about a "fat lip"...really? You're alright with that?

[Spyman]

The fact that this thread existed for weeks with it not being deemed a problem by the moderators only to then become a problem when someone, several weeks later, 'blew the whistle' on it (as if it was some kind of secret cover-up. Honestly), makes a bit of a mockery of the moderation of this board.

Reactionary bullshit.

Spyman - it was whistle blowing if you like. I found it odd that you can get banned from the message board for being a Spenny fan on a harmless wind up but not if you're a Darlo fan with about 40 racist jokes behind you.

Isn't that the bit that potentially makes mockery of moderation?

Were I a mod (wouldn't want to be and, by the sounds, 90% of you wouldn't want me to be anyway), I'd have closed that thread down weeks back and chucked off anyone who posted anything racist; Jews, n*****s, etc, etc.

No problem with crude humour, but a joke about a "fat lip"...really? You're alright with that?

I didn't see the joke about the fat lip, so can't comment on whether I'm alright with it or not. But if I opened a thread titled 'offensive jokes', that's what I'd expect to see. In posting a joke that is offensive, crosses the line or whatever in a thread titled 'offensive jokes', I'd say the authors are acknowledging that the joke is offensive material and may, as a result, offend some people.

My point is that if the moderators of this forum deem it their remit to decide whether or not people are allowed to offend one another, directly or otherwise, then they should implement their rules quickly and consistantly - not wait a few weeks until an individual decides that the offensive jokes have in fact offended them (surprise surprise), and reports the topic for doing exactly what it said it was going to do several weeks previous.

It currently the fashionable thing for football fans and authorities to do to kick off about anything vaguely racist. I have no doubt that the recent hype around the "anti-semitic" chanting and various other acts of alleged racism are no worse now than they have been for years. However, the media and a few attention seeking types have got the bit between their teeth and see a campaign. Why they chose now as the time for that campaign, and not several years ago when I'm sure there was just as big an issue is anyone's guess. But I'm drifting off topic.

[A kick in the Jacobs]

Just wondering, would it make me 'racist' if I was to admit that the terms 'elephant-washer' and 'spear-chucker' make me laugh?

[Spyman]

Just wondering, would it make me 'racist' if I was to admit that the terms 'elephant-washer' and 'spear-chucker' make me laugh?

Unreservedly.

[A kick in the Jacobs]

Oh, and bogtrotter?