What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlington?

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Feethams 1966
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What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlington?

Post by Feethams 1966 » Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:05 pm

Sorry just another pre-season thread before the season kicks off and the serious stuff begins, but to get us in the mood for a laugh (yes there can be humour of the unlikeliest kind, even during matches), what's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlington?
Here's a couple of my favourites to get us started - both of which had me splitting my sides with mirth - and a bonus mark or a star is yours if you can remember them too. Let me take you back to Feethams in the 1970s.
In those days, linesmen weren't the only people on the touchlines; the sight of a policeman patrolling around the edge of the pitch was commonplace. Not the garishly coloured protection padded types we see now, but someone in a navy blue greatcoat with a traditional helmet and polished black shoes. If you were stood behind the barrier you could guarantee they'd pass in front and block your view just as something interesting was happening.
Anyway this particular day, our policeman was halfway between the goal and the corner flag, strolling with his eyes fixed towards the corner and should, in theory, have been pretty safe from anything going on from the middle of the field. But this was Darlington, and a stray attempt at goal, miles off target, hit his helmet fair and square and sent it spinning from his head yet somehow still attached to his chin.
Maybe nowadays, the modern bobby would retrieve his hat and share a grin with the rest of us, but this unfortunate constable's sense of humour had deserted him. His immediate reaction was to spin round with his fists raised. Then realising that nobody was attacking him, and only the players were to blame, his embarrassment was now compounded by the laughter coming from all parts of the ground. By the time he passed me, perhaps as a result of all the jokes about his non-existent heading ability, his face was puce. Oh joy!
Still at Feethams, and do you remember those two brick dug-outs either side of the players tunnel? Well the low roofs couldn't have afforded much of a view of high balls from inside, as was the case on this occasion when a hoofed effort went high in to the air, and instead of landing in the Skerne (this time), landed slap bang in the middle of a bucket of water at the feet of the crew in the dug-out. Honestly I've never seen anything so funny. Three blokes ran out and stood in that way that people only do when they've wet themselves around the crotch, while they cottoned on to what had just happened to them and everyone was laughing - even the referee.
Did you see these? Do you remember them; do you have any similar anecdotes to share? Let's hope next season has it's share of funny moments too.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by roadrunner » Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:22 pm

And his name was PC Wright.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Mr_Tibbs » Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:29 pm

For me it can only be - Kev Smith knocking the "Q" off the "uaker Centre"
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by broadsexile » Thu Aug 06, 2015 2:13 pm

1 - Dugald McCarrison getting sent off for kicking a Fulham player up the arse right in front of the linesman.
2 - A Darlo fan running out of the East Stand during a friendly against Ardiles-era Newcastle and tackling one of their players, possibly Liam O'Brien.
3 - The cat on the pitch at MK Dons in 2007 was quite good.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by AIDO » Thu Aug 06, 2015 2:29 pm

.... reminds me of the black cat that moseyed onto the field of play just at the start of the second half at Newcastle Benfield .... such was the pattern of play at the start of the second half, the cat then sat down in the grass. Their left back chased it, but the cat just toyed with him and moved to a new patch and duly settled down again and peered at the bemused player above the blades of grass. Am sure it was winding the player up. It also seemed to be playing up to the laughing fans. It soon ran off as Darlo launched another attack. I've got a picture somewhere .......

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by footifan » Thu Aug 06, 2015 3:17 pm

Charlie McQuaker, bless him, no longer with us. RIP Charlie.
A long time friend & travelling partner on the Scott's Greys supporters bus, trains, even hitchhiking to games in the late 60's & 70's in the days before we had cars. Dozens of stories but one of my favourites :

A Saturday game at Feethams in the days of the DFC Supporters bar above the Polam Lane Kennels ( Pre Quaker centre )... Spratts Corner.
As usual late out of the bar at the start of the game, finishing his fourth bottle of Newcastle Brown. He missed a first minute goal at the Tinshed end. 10 minutes later he had to get rid of the said Brown Ales in the palatial bogs next to the Skerne ( oh that stink still lingers in my nostrils just thinking about it :shock: )... He missed the second goal, rushing back to the Tinshed on hearing the roar... flies still open ;), the crowd still celebrating the second strike.
At half time of course we swapped ends, calling into the upstairs bar on the way around the back of the West Stand. Another couple of bottles of Newkie Brown, never a gulper like me... of course Charlie misses the 3rd goal,1st minute of the second half. You could not make it up...
He could not hold the seal any longer & slips down the bank to the other Skerneside bog just as the 4th zips into the net.
Of course we were all in hysterics as he clambers up the bank to the Polam Lane Terrace as we applauded a rare 4 - 0 game.

Still laughing at him, he turned around to complain to us he had " ...spent 5 effin bob " ( or whatever the entrance was then )... "4 - 0 up , not seen a bloody goal "... just as the 5th ( from Alan Sproates I think ) crashed into the net... Poor Charlie had not seen one of them. :lol:

He bitched all the way to the bar for our post match drink :crazy:

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Darlo_Pete » Thu Aug 06, 2015 4:11 pm

The best thing I have seen was when we were playing poolie at Feethams, when the poolie fans got half of the shed. A poolie player fell over near the goalpost injured and someone threw onto the pitch next to him a minature gallows with a monkey hanging from them. The ref started to laugh as did the poolie player that was injured and his team mates.

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loan_star
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by loan_star » Thu Aug 06, 2015 4:21 pm

footifan wrote:he DFC Supporters bar above the Polam Lane Kennels ( Pre Quaker centre )... Spratts Corner.
Being that was well before my time, I wonder if any pictures exist of the inside of the bar?

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by footifan » Thu Aug 06, 2015 4:45 pm

loan_star wrote:
footifan wrote:he DFC Supporters bar above the Polam Lane Kennels ( Pre Quaker centre )... Spratts Corner.
Being that was well before my time, I wonder if any pictures exist of the inside of the bar?


That would be cool.

from memory it was just a single long room ( Above the kennels ) . A number tables & chairs down each side. White ceiling with black painted beams. Various pennants around the walls. I don't think they had draught beers in the early days, just bottles.
Of course it was chocka before games & at half time.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by The Quaker » Thu Aug 06, 2015 5:04 pm

A steward getting hit by a pie thrown by someone from the tin shed.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by don'tbuythesun » Thu Aug 06, 2015 6:20 pm

Cardiff taunting 5,000 of us at Villa, the drainpipe that fell down from the stand after it was hit by the ball at Crewe, same ground when it rained and the away end emptied into the stand as everyone paid the extra couple of quid and the lad at Wrexham arrested for throwing bits of pie around. It's a good job we've had a laugh along the way!!

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Darlo_H » Fri Aug 07, 2015 12:52 am

More recently, Noel Whelan's one sprint contribution as a sub at the Arena and the chants that followed.
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Makka Pakka » Fri Aug 07, 2015 8:00 am

That loudmouth Aldershot fan pissing his pants.
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Mick » Fri Aug 07, 2015 8:11 am

Mr_Tibbs wrote:For me it can only be - Kev Smith knocking the "Q" off the "uaker Centre"
Same here. Everyone had a good laugh that day. Ah, the good old days.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by number_one » Fri Aug 07, 2015 9:06 am

'That' Alcock song being started the day we lost 7-1 at Scunny.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by princes town » Fri Aug 07, 2015 9:16 am

Completely off message but steve staunton;s team was fookin funny if it wasn't so tragic.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by joejaques » Fri Aug 07, 2015 9:26 am

The first time I heard a rendition of "The Barry Song", Fookin hilarious. :roll:
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by theoriginalfatcat » Fri Aug 07, 2015 10:16 am

At Feethams, in front of the new stand ,the ref is giving Phil Brumwell a good ticking off for a clumsy challenge - whilst further up in the stand a group of Darlo fans are chanting "OFF OFF OFF" !!!!
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by eddie-rowles » Fri Aug 07, 2015 10:35 am

Whilst Darlo were defending an attack( cannot remember team) Ron ferguson our forward chinned a defender, referee and linesman only saw Ron walking back to his own half and the defender sprawled on ground behind him. Their goalkeeper tried to explain what happened as the other Darlo players were in other half, Ron shrugged his shoulders as if to say "who me impossible!" Got away with it.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by princes town » Fri Aug 07, 2015 12:23 pm

That American manager of Chester was hilarious at feethams. "Do you want it... do you really want it"

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by PierremontQuaker03 » Fri Aug 07, 2015 1:15 pm

My Wife would say watching Barry Conlon play - he could go from genius to unable to track a bag of cement within seconds.

For me it had to be Walter Boyd being sent off for Swansea in the year 2000 - one of fastest sendings off ever - play hadn't even resumed. I was sat behind the dugouts at feethams - it was absolutely hilarious viewing!
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by AIDO » Fri Aug 07, 2015 2:24 pm

.... can't have a thread like this without including Chris Brass's own goal shocker ... an all time classic ... worldwide actually .... seemed to be even funnier while watching it "live" .... Did he EVER live it down???

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18rkm ... ever_sport

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Robbie Painter » Fri Aug 07, 2015 2:46 pm

PierremontQuaker03 wrote:My Wife would say watching Barry Conlon play - he could go from genius to unable to track a bag of cement within seconds.

For me it had to be Walter Boyd being sent off for Swansea in the year 2000 - one of fastest sendings off ever - play hadn't even resumed. I was sat behind the dugouts at feethams - it was absolutely hilarious viewing!
I'm sure that sending off (elbow on Martin Gray) was at Swansea, not Darlo.

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Allan Quatermain » Fri Aug 07, 2015 3:34 pm

Robbie Painter wrote:
PierremontQuaker03 wrote:My Wife would say watching Barry Conlon play - he could go from genius to unable to track a bag of cement within seconds.

For me it had to be Walter Boyd being sent off for Swansea in the year 2000 - one of fastest sendings off ever - play hadn't even resumed. I was sat behind the dugouts at feethams - it was absolutely hilarious viewing!
I'm sure that sending off (elbow on Martin Gray) was at Swansea, not Darlo.
Correct, it was at Swansea
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by loan_star » Fri Aug 07, 2015 4:08 pm

Allan Quatermain wrote:
Robbie Painter wrote:
PierremontQuaker03 wrote:My Wife would say watching Barry Conlon play - he could go from genius to unable to track a bag of cement within seconds.

For me it had to be Walter Boyd being sent off for Swansea in the year 2000 - one of fastest sendings off ever - play hadn't even resumed. I was sat behind the dugouts at feethams - it was absolutely hilarious viewing!
I'm sure that sending off (elbow on Martin Gray) was at Swansea, not Darlo.
Correct, it was at Swansea
Maybe he was watching the highlights on a very early smart phone, whilst sat behind the dugouts at Feethams? :P

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Allan Quatermain » Fri Aug 07, 2015 5:02 pm

Or used a very bad early Satnav but had very, very good eyesight
Alun's promise to the fans: “I’ll make sure I’ll bring players in that are value for money and I want players that want to play for Darlington Football Club, want to progress and move up the league and show the fans that passion.”

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by PierremontQuaker03 » Fri Aug 07, 2015 7:28 pm

I'm getting conflicting info....

1: Walter Boyd
Having appeared three times for Jamaica at the 1998 World Cup in France, striker Walter Boyd joined Swansea City in 1999 arriving with some experience of playing at the highest level. He scored twice on his debut at the Vetch Field against Rotherham United in October that year and went on to net 10 goals in 43 appearances for the South Wales club. However he is remembered amongst Swans fans for a moment of madness away at Darlington in 2000.
Manager John Hollins sent the forward on as a substitute just as Swansea were about to take a free-kick. Before the set piece was taken though, Boyd became involved in a scuffle on the edge of the penalty area which ended up in him elbowing one of his opponents. Referee Clive Wilkes was left with no option but to give the Swansea man his marching orders before the game had even restarted, meaning that Boyd’s sending off was timed at zero seconds. Quite a feat it must be said.
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by PierremontQuaker03 » Fri Aug 07, 2015 7:31 pm

Also found this...

1999–2000 Swansea City A.F.C. season
The 1999–00 season was Swansea City A.F.C.’s 80th season in the English football league system in this season Swansea finished 1st in the 3rd division with a total of 85 points from 46 games. It was also memorable for the fastest red card for a player in Swansea’s history as Walter Boyd was red carded at half time against Darlington at Feethams and was taken off the pitch in a matter of seconds after the restart.
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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Wing Commander Darlo » Fri Aug 07, 2015 9:40 pm

One of my funniest memories was of a blanket collection for the St. Johm's Ambulance that took place at Feethams in the 90s. There was a crowd of people, all in fancy dress holding the edges of the blanket as they walked around the touchline at half time. As they walked past the stands people were gently lobbing their loose change into the blanket as they passed and all was going well until they neared the goal in front of the Tin Shed...

By this time the blanket was getting pretty full and the little party holding it had to negotiate the point where the path narrowed between the back of the net and the fence around the ground. For those of you with a classical education - or indeed any of you who have ever seen 300 - it was like the Pass of Thermoplylae and these guys were the Persian army. In fancy dress. The role of the Spartans was played by the ever generous inhabitants of the Tin Shed who, in their eagerness to contribute to such a good cause were frantically bazzing all the loose change they could find in their pockets end on at this slow moving target.

Things were going all right until Charlie Chaplin who was holding up the back right of the blanket took a ten pence piece to the head. His corner of the blanket tipped and all the change started falling out. The bumble bee and Wonder Woman started trying to scoop the money back in but by now they had stopped moving and presented an even more appealling target. A rain of coins that resembled the hail of arrows at Agincourt was now falling on them. I remember the lad standing next to me rummaging through his pockets and going "Oh, f*ck it, I've only got a fifty pence left... Ah, bollocks!" before wazzing it at the by now retreating group of figures who were trying to walk backwards, scoop money and avoid being hit.

There was probably enough loose change launched in those few minutes to buy an ambulance.

The other - football-related memory - from around the same time was Steve Mardenborough hanging on to a defender's shirt preventing him from jumping at a corner allowing someone to nod the ball into the net. I still remember the defender's astonished face and Steve's cheeky wink to the Tin Shed as he turned back to the halfway line...

And while I'm on I remember a wildly skewed Mardenborough cross going behind the goal in one of those many games where none of our strikers could hit the target. It smacked full on into the side of my girlfriend's face and then bounced onto the back of the net... causing one wag on the terrace to shout out "sign her up!"

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Re: What's the funniest thing you've seen watching Darlingto

Post by Darlo_Pete » Fri Aug 07, 2015 9:50 pm

Moilinan (sorry for the spelling) on loan from Preston, we were kicking towards the Polam Lane end and it was sunny. He dashed out of the area to get a high ball, jumped in the air with his cap on as we were kicking into the sun, took it off in mid-air headed the ball, put his cap back on, all before he landed back on the ground.

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