I've posted this before but..

Open now for discussion of all things Darlo!

Moderators: mikkyx, uncovered

Post Reply
darlopaul
Posts: 205
Joined: Fri Jul 10, 2009 1:11 am
Team Supported: Darlington

I've posted this before but..

Post by darlopaul » Sun Feb 05, 2012 2:48 am

..in the state Darlo are in and the way the some of the Premiership "stars" act, I thought I would try and cheer you all up.

Apologies in advance for the swearwords but I can't be bothered to change them all.

Hear goes. Enjoy.

"I’m feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - It’s because of poncy names. That’s what it is.

Remember in the old days, when footy players kicked a fucking ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire? Well, in them days players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy. Fucking tough names for tough men, them was. And what do we have now? Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie. Fucking tarts’ names, they are. Great big fucking puffs. No wonder the ball’s like a fucking balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread. In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks. Fucking shinpads in them days was made out of library books, and socks was like sackcloth.

Same with the jerseys. Fucking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody’s airless chest can breathe and he doesn’t get a chill. Fuck off. Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe’s finest wearing a fucking tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he fucking did. No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them.

And they never used to show their arses at one another either. Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game? He’d have got one of them size 10 hobnail fuckers up his b****** chuff.

Fucking therapy for stress my arse! Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling. What the fuck is that all about? In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, specially after a bad defeat. And the women used to expect it, and so they should have. They was lucky to be married to footballers.

Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month. Soft twat. Archie McShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day. And he scored two goals. That’s cos his name wasn’t “Trevor”. Good old Archie. Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals. Did he have any “stress counselling”? Did he bollocks!

And drugs? There was none of that in the old days. Oh, no. In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum. None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up class narcotics.

Goal celebrations? Don’t talk to me about goal celebrations. Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh! I’d like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner. Handshakes...and that was all you got. That and a wank in the showers afterwards. But it was a proper wank...all man stuff. None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard. Allegedly. In them days, there was nowt wrong with it cos it didn’t mean nowt. They used to say there was a “gay atmosphere” in the dressing room after the match. But it didn’t mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen. Aye. I know. Me dad told me.

Sixty grand a fucking week! Ha! I wouldn’t pay ‘em tuppence. Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get...a month! And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England. It’s true, you know. Fucking is. Players had to work them days just to make up their money. Not like today. Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford shithouse cleaner. He had to go off during one game because some c*** had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend. And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again. If you’re having a kid, don’t even consider puffy names and shite names like what people call their kids these days. Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years’ time? The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and fucking Chesney. Fuck that! Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf. And let’s get the puffs out of the game once and for all."

polam lane
Posts: 103
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2009 5:26 pm
Team Supported: Darlington
Location: WitzEnd

Re: I've posted this before but..

Post by polam lane » Sun Feb 05, 2012 9:15 am

Hear,hear!

AIDO
Posts: 2489
Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2009 1:49 pm
Team Supported: Darlington

Re: I've posted this before but..

Post by AIDO » Sun Feb 05, 2012 10:02 am

.... they say that the truth hurts .... but in this case it's quite funny actually ... 8-)

User avatar
Christophano
Posts: 1841
Joined: Mon Aug 17, 2009 7:50 pm
Team Supported: Darlington

Re: I've posted this before but..

Post by Christophano » Sun Feb 05, 2012 10:03 am

I've done my bit by naming my boys Joe and Harry. If I left it to the wife she'd probably have called them Quentin and Bruno, or some such nonsense.

AIDO
Posts: 2489
Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2009 1:49 pm
Team Supported: Darlington

Re: I've posted this before but..

Post by AIDO » Sun Feb 05, 2012 10:06 am

.... proper lads names them ... well done Christophano. Future Darlo worthy even!

User avatar
Quaker-Razz
Posts: 675
Joined: Tue May 10, 2011 11:16 am
Team Supported: Darlington
Location: Stevenage 51°53'59.42"N/0°12'9.30"W

Re: I've posted this before but..

Post by Quaker-Razz » Sun Feb 05, 2012 12:01 pm

Named my boys Harry & William.....wife wanted them as Corrick and Ashley...NO thank you very much
Wherever I may roam, Darlo is my home

if you're gonna treat me like a kid, i prefer my ass being slapped with a steel ruler

Return_of_Fetish
Posts: 364
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2011 11:24 pm
Team Supported: Hartlepool

Re: I've posted this before but..

Post by Return_of_Fetish » Sun Feb 05, 2012 12:30 pm

You've missed the bit about wearing proper boots, boots that actually give the foot some protection not these light multi-coloured s*** they wear nowadays when if someone stands on their foot they end up out for 8-10 weeks because they've broke a f****** metatarsal. Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie probably couldn't even run in them. But rest is spot on.

User avatar
Lawman3
Posts: 1291
Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2009 7:47 pm
Team Supported: Darlington

Re: I've posted this before but..

Post by Lawman3 » Sun Feb 05, 2012 2:14 pm

Even handjobs in the showers?
Never argue with an idiot: The best possible outcome is that you win an argument with an idiot.

Fibonacci0112358
Posts: 1928
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:55 pm
Team Supported: Darlington

Re: I've posted this before but..

Post by Fibonacci0112358 » Sun Feb 05, 2012 2:33 pm

Lawman3 wrote:Even handjobs in the showers?


Yeah, I was wondering about that too.


Surely he means communal bath!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

tinshedender
Posts: 196
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2012 5:16 pm
Team Supported: Darlington

Re: I've posted this before but..

Post by tinshedender » Sun Feb 05, 2012 3:14 pm

You could be right here.
Ron, Bill, Ken, Big Harry, Tommy, Brian, just some of the proper names in Darlo's famous team that wupped Chelsea way back.
I've posted this before, but Rocket Ron Harbertson worked down't pit on nightshift
caught a bus to Feethams, scored an extra time goal,caught a bus home and was
down't pit for next night shift. Try telling that to the mitten wearing premiership pansies.

Post Reply